How To Say Two Words (That Will Change Your Life)

     Here I sit, my heart racing, wondering how I can say something that will change my life forever. I've always been a very family-oriented person. I mean, how could I not be, raised with a big family on both sides. I love having family around, including those I have selected as family. How is it that words can altar your relationship with family members? I mean, they aren't horrible words, or words used out of malice. Never the less, saying them can end in many ways. One being really supportive and loving, and the other ending, just ending. How do you tell someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally these words. Especially when they've specifically spoken ill about other people that have said such words. 

     I was raised in a semi-religious household, and many other members of my family had a Christian-based faith. Growing up in the 90's when being gay was starting to be seen more in the media, I would always hear how ungodly, or sinful it was. How little boys shouldn't act like little girls. But also hear that girls can do anything they set their mind to, even act like boys. Boys can't like boys, that's disgusting and a sin. Boys can't like girly colors, can't dress feminine, can't act feminine, can't can't can't can't... But I'm not a boy. Sure, I have male parts, but I'm not male. I've always been female. How is being myself bad? How is it ungodly and sinful? This life isn't something I chose. Who would choose to endure this sort of life? 

     It took me a while to scrub the lies I was taught growing up, and I still hide my true self, even from the ones I came out to. I'm so afraid of being my authentic self, because it will damage relationships that I hold dear. I have those that are supportive and love me. But I have those that have no idea who I really am. I hate that I keep this secret from the ones I love and care about. I feel as if I have no choice. Why has society put down people like me? Why are people being killed for being like me? Why are we hated? Why do people fear us? Why do people think we don't exist, are mentally ill, or abominations? I just don't understand.

     I feel like I have to wait, for the ones I fear rejection from, to die before I can be myself. That shouldn't have to be an option. I shouldn't have to dress a certain way in public, so I don't get abused, harassed and etc. I always hide my feminine belongings when certain family members come to visit, and I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to hide who I am. I shouldn't have to placate to this version of me, that they think I am. Why am I so afraid? I have supportive people in my life. Why do I worry that other's, that don't know, will disown and abandon me? Should it matter? If they don't care enough about me, to love and respect me, then why should it matter if they leave?

     There are family members who have passed, that I regret not telling them. They never got to know who I am, who I really am. They only saw me in certain ways. I am afraid to say TWO words to my father. It would kill me to lose him. But it hurts me every time I hear him call me son. I wish I could just tell him, and have no fear of him rejecting me, or disowning me. I don't want to hear how my life is a sin, or I just have a diseased mind. He claims to love me unconditionally, no matter what. I fear there are conditions that would change that. Why should it matter what he thinks? Why does it matter so much to me? I shouldn't care if he doesn't want anything to do with me. 

     Why is it so hard to tell him, "I'm Transgender."

A Little Shimmer of Hope

I was at work cleaning, when I hear someone asking their child if I was still around the corner. "Is he still over there?" Was the parent's question to her little girl. I hear her whisper back, "That's a girl." I felt so happy to be recognized as what I feel I am. Though I'm not out to the public, I still like being called ma'am, her and she. When the parent asked me her question, then I hear the child ask her mother, "Is that a boy or a girl?". Before the mom could answer, I responded with, "I could be both, you never know." The mom responded very well to my answer, and agreed. She apologized for her daughter's inquisitiveness, and I let her know there isn't any issue. I explained to the girl, that gender isn't just the two that she was taught, that it is a spectrum, it can be anything in between, or nothing at all. The mom smiled and agreed. I am so glad that their are humans out here that are accepting, and understanding. Even in this small, conservative, Bible thumping town. I'm so happy, maybe I can live as my true self here. More to think about.

Info, Advice, Help

I shared some very personal information yesterday, which is hard to do in person, sometimes even hard online. Someone is always struggling with something that is invisible. Whether it be Depression, Anxiety, Gender Dysphoria, etc. We, as human beings, should be there for one another, give a guiding hand, or a supporting shoulder, for help. Just because you may not think you can, you can help so many people, even with just a smile, common curtesy, just small gestures of kindness. You don’t have to have money to help someone. I’m here to say I’m here for you all, whether it be to listen to your problems, give some advice, etc. I also would like to ask people for the same. If you see something I post, and it seems inaccurate, or you feel like you can help me with the situation I seem to be in, please do. Just leave a comment here, or email me @ calypso_rayne@live.com.