Good Things to Come? Maybe...

Something I’ve yet to discuss on here, as often as I post, insert sarcasm here, I am Trans. So let’s go way back into the beginning, of where I started to actually remember things, and it’s going to be a little patchy, unfortunately, due to the “hidden” memories. I remember praying, as a child, to wake up as the opposite sex, which was female. I would cry myself to sleep, just knowing if I were a girl, Things would be so much better. I loved “girly” things, dressing up in dresses, being a princess, dolls, makeup, etc. I would always be the mom in house, I’d always pretend to be a girl, when playing with friends, and so on. I had to put that on hold, when my brother was born. He was severely premature, and had multiple health and mental problems. I had to suck it up and “be a man” and stop asking for something that is impossible. Trans wasn’t heard of when I was younger. It was “men” who looked like women, and were mocked and made fun of on shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, Montell Williams, etc. But it never occurred to me what that was, it was just “entertainment”. So, in middle/high school, I was starting to discover my sexuality. Was I Gay, Bi? I knew I wasn’t straight, but there were only two options, that I knew of. I couldn’t tell my family and friends I wasn’t straight, so I didn’t talk about it to them, I just stayed to myself on that matter. I had decided I was Bi, not letting that small glimmer of Herero-safety disappear. I created a MySpace, added my friends, and in the bio, I felt brave enough to list Bisexual as my “Orientation”. Thinking no one would see it... I was severely wrong. Someone, in school, came up to me and asked was it true that I was Bi, I felt embarrassed and just nodded and left it at that. My friend was sitting next to me, in shock. Later that night, I changed it back to Straight. I didn’t find out about Pansexuality until my Junior year, and that term felt right, and it still does. I still haven’t come out to a lot of family and friends, for fear. While in my senior year in High School, I found the “Gay” channel, on the local cable provider’s network, Logo. I would sneak and watch it in my room late at night, just filled with joy, but also fear of getting caught. It was my outlet to my “Gay” side, since I couldn’t share with others. I didn’t have a personal computer to look up anything, or do downloads, or YouTube, etc. So it is what taught me. We had a computer, but it was in the living area, and anyone could walk up behind me and see what I was doing, so anything LGBT or taboo, was way off limits. One night, late at night, and little commercial came on about a new show that was about to premiere, RuPaul’s Drag Race, I was floored. So men can dress like women and look like women??? I was so excited, this was something new and it just wrong right with me. I could be a drag queen, that’s what I am. I can look like a woman, and still be a man. That’s awesome news. I tuned it for the very first episode, which coincidentally was on my Birthday, and fell in love. I still watch the show to this day. I was happy, I finally found something that felt right. But I couldn’t do makeup or dress like a woman, and still live with my parents, they wouldn’t allow it. I would play with my mom’s makeup, which didn’t match my skin tone at all, plus I didn’t have a clue about proper application. I took one look in the mirror and was horrified. I quickly washed my face before anyone could catch me. I decided I’d have to wait to move out and buy my own and learn how to do it properly. My uncle and his wife moved into the trailer on our property. This is my favorite uncle. I had started to build an awesome relationship with his wife, and we all loved RuPaul’s Drag Race. She opened my eyes to the whole LGBT culture, with movies and shows, etc. It was a whole new exciting experience. I confided in them about my pansexuality, and they were very accepting, which was awesome to know. Unfortunately they moved a year later out of state and I was on my own again. In college this time, and working. I met a good friend at my “first job” and bam, we became room mates and I had freedom. I could explore more about myself, and not have to worry about hiding it, fully. He didn’t care and was supportive. I finally had that back in my life. It was amazing. At this point in time, I decided I had two personalities. One male, and one female. They were similar in most things, except the female side took less shit from people and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. My sassiness was thriving and I was living. I had a skirt and bought some heels, and I was just beginning to get comfortable in life. All was right in the world. But something didn’t fit. It’s like a puzzle piece was put in the spot, and it was really close to fitting and even looked right, but it was a little off. My room mate and I did a lot of gaming together and he had friends that would game with us. He had one friend that was Transgender. I hadn’t a clue what that was, and learned that she was born male and transitioned, or at least at that time started the process of transitioning. I wasn’t fully sure that was what I was dealing with, but I felt I definitely wasn’t solely male. I came to terms with myself and decided I identified as both genders, I was Bi-gendered, dual gendered, Two-Spirit. It felt right, and still does. Our year rent lease was coming up and it was offered to me to move up north with my uncle and his wife, and I knew I had to accept. I just remember what it was like to be fully surrounded by acceptance and wanted that again, plus I wouldn’t be constantly around family, that wouldn’t understand, or that I had to hide my true self from. I moved, and it was the best part of my new journey. I was still discovering myself, learning new things, life was finally heading somewhere. I was and have been happy in my Two-Spirit bubble, but I’m started to feel dysphoria. I used to get it every now and then. I’d shave, paint my nails, try and lipstick and my skirt and just lounge about the house and feel fine afterwards. Recently the dysphoria has been getting worse, I’ve been having moments were I hate to look in the mirror or see myself naked. Even changing clothes becomes saddening and horrific. I see body hair were I don’t want it, it just doesn’t feel right. I have parts that just don’t match with my mind, and I’m missing parts that should be there. I, within the last couple years have fully decided I am transgender. I still slightly have a male identity, but I mostly identify as female. I don’t live my life as such, nor have I opened up with a lot of people about it. Only a select few know. Since I’ve been getting my mental health under control, at least one side of it, I need to start working on the other part. Today, I was looking through some photos, and saw how happy I was in the feminine filters on Snapchat, and looking at myself in my phone’s camera feed, I just felt gross, and manly. I decided to look up gender specialists in my area. I expected to see nothing in my town, since I’m in the Bible Belt of America. But I did see some results, which made me happy... but one thing stunned me... I saw the name of my psychiatrist, the one I go to for my PTSD. So I think it’s time to talk with them about my dysphoria and see where it goes. I hope to see a bright future come from this.